Wakening up

I woke up this morning with the full expectation that I would not live to see the end of the day. It has been a long time since I woke feeling like that. The last time it was more of I did not care if I died because I was completely content with life at the time. I’m not sure why I woke with this certainty. I don’t feel like I’m hurting that bad. I have few enemies not that I would fear them anyway. The only thing that I can think of is a freak accident. But how could I expect that. I suppose that I should always wake with that feeling. Then I might start living that way God wants me to. Like every day is my last. I get in the mind set far too often that I am simply wasting time between my birth and my death. I forget to live. I forget to follow my heart. I get hung up on responsibility and fear. I wish I knew where my heart was.

All of the people I care about seem to be hurting. Whether they are living life or pretending that they are living life they are all hurting. I often feel like I do not know what need to happen. But I know what needs to happen. There needs to be love, more love that can be handled. Love inspiring love.

I don’t know how to love. I feel love, I love those around me but I do not know how to show my love to those people. It just does not work for me. I have spent so long trying to be alone that I have a hard time not being alone. I hate it… and that is part of my problem with loving. I hate aspects of myself. I fear that I had two paths at one point in my life. A path turning me into a person that I love or a path turning me into a person that I hate. I fear that I have taken the wrong path. But if I were on the wrong path then I would not care about that kind of thing. Well I can tell myself that.

There is love in me, I can feel it, I just need to clear all the shit off of it. I hate dealing with human excrement. But it is my own so at least I know where it came from.

I have no idea why I feel like this today but that is the way I woke up.

Geronimo

I have been realizing more and more how much of my life I live out of fear.

In high school I never dated. To be completely honest I have never had a girlfriend. I was always afraid that I would hurt who ever came close to me. At least that is what I would say in my head to make myself feel better about not doing something that I knew in my heart I should have done. I was blind back then (not saying that I am any different now but I see things differently). Love is not about not hurting somebody it is about riding it out with them. It is about tying yourself their sinking ship just because you do not want to see them go it alone. It is about seeing the beauty in everything and living that beauty. It is about seeing the world collapsing around you and knowing that all that matters are those at your side those that you love. Really I have no idea what love is, and these things sound very idealist. At the same I have spent too many years standing on the edge of that emotional cliff afraid of what is below. Perhaps it is about time I trusted someone other than myself for once and just jumped and see were that wind takes me.

A Physics Major Not Doing Homework for Once

Sometimes I feel like I should have been a physiology major rather than a physics major. I spend so much time analyzing my own mind that I kind of wish that I has a little something to back it up. I find it incredible that we can know so much about the world around us and yet know next to nothing about how the human mind works. It does not make sense. The one tool that we use to understand what is around us is something that we understand very little about. Now I must say that we probably understand the brain better than a number of things, such as some of the more complicated physical phenomenon that result in a break down in space and time. I wish that I understood the way that my mind works I feel that it would give an incredible understanding of the way that I observe the world around me.

If you think about the observer of an experiment some interesting things come out of it. There is the whole this about Cat states and wave function collapsing when a system is observed. In all experiments that I have ever done seen or heard of the observer is never mentioned. It is simple assumed that something that has the ability to make logical constructions about abstract thoughts. In other word the observer can see and knows that it can see but this is the extent of the ability of the observer. But now let’s say that the observer is the experiment. What happens then?

Take the famous cat in the box. We are going to have to modify this a bit so that the result of particle hitting the detector does not kill the cat it simple dumps a bucket of water on it. This must be done because if the cat dies then it no longer knows that it exists. This is all assuming that the cat knows that it exists and can tell when it is wet. I feel that I can make this assumption because well cat hate being wet and the amount that they lick themselves I would hope that they realize that they exist. Not the experiment is run and the cat is either dry or wet. The cat knows which it is or the way that we view the world we would assume that the cat knows that it is wet or dry. But according to the rest of the world the cat is in a wet dry state. Where there is an equal probability that the cat is wet to dry and nowhere in between. According to the outside world the wave function has not been collapsed but the cat is wet or it is dry and the cat knows.

So what does this mean? It means one of two things. That either reality is relative which just sounds funny or that there is no such thing as reality and that it is simple a construct of the mind trying to survive. The first of these two is an interesting one that I have not thought about all that much. The idea of relativity is a wonderful thing. Those of you who have taken even an introductory class on the subject know this (ha). It is one of those things where reality is different from different reference frames. This fits perfectly with the idea of the cat being wet and dry but it is based on an entirely different experiment (a massive body chasing a photon, ha good luck). It is interesting that two ideas come to the same conclusion.
I feel that much of what I say depends on definition (like every other thing in this world). If you define reality to be a rigid body that is always the same everywhere you go then both the light experiment and the cat experiment shatter this rigid reality. However if you take reality to be flexible (put yourself in other people shoes every once and a while), then both of these experiments fit just fine. So what then does this all mean? Nothing really, just confirming the fact that if you do not look at things from another point of view then your reality is going to break at some point. And nobody wants reality to break.

I kind of cheated. I said that there were only two possibilities when there is really a crap stack more. I just chose the two that proved my point the best. Physicists love doing that. And I love this unknown observer that I have chilling in my dome.

Time, Relationships, and Obstacles

What the fuck ever happened to time? I remember when it was all I could do to fill my time and now I do not have enough time. Sleep has become a luxury to me now and I am getting use to going without luxury. It is not that I don't have enough time to do the things that I need to do it is that I live in a community. It always surprises much better I work when I am alone compared to when I am in a group. I fly through stuff. but I never feel quite right doing this. I don't get to know people and nobody gets to know me. I can't help people and people can't help me and I get very distant from the world. So I work in groups and emotionally I am better even though I am destroying my body physically by never sleeping. I am a loner that needs a group. That is one messed up joke.

I am one of the most awkward people I know. I never have any idea what to say when people talk about me, give me compliments or shoot me down. if they get on a subject that I know then I am good to go but other wise I just sit and listen and let it all sink in and process. Sadly the only thing that I know well is physics. So I am a quite person until I start talking in a language that I don't even understand.

Women, I never know what to do there. For a long time I had the idea in my head that I would hurt all those that I was close to. Because of this misguided thought, emotionally I have distanced my self from people for the majority of my life. Love is not protecting somebody from pain. It is walking with them threw that pain and live it with them. "Love is watching some one dieing, who is going to watch you die?" That quote is horribly morbid but I think it has a point and I wish that I could remember what song it is in. My problem is that same problem that my most of my family has. Turning life into a series of habit whether good or bad they are hard to break and start living. I have a habit of only letting people get so close and then I keep them from coming any closer. I have hundreds of excuses for this but in the end I need to just let go. My dad say that life would be so much easier if there were no such thing as emotions. I agree with him that it would be easier but I do not feel that it would be life.

I love rambling about stuff. It always put me in my place.

I find myself asking God for things. Using him as a means to an end.

God is not the means but the ends.

So I ask for nothing but Him. (Screw traditional prayer). If God has put an obstacle in my path, then I will take that obstacle in stride and not ask for a short cut around it.