Wakening up

I woke up this morning with the full expectation that I would not live to see the end of the day. It has been a long time since I woke feeling like that. The last time it was more of I did not care if I died because I was completely content with life at the time. I’m not sure why I woke with this certainty. I don’t feel like I’m hurting that bad. I have few enemies not that I would fear them anyway. The only thing that I can think of is a freak accident. But how could I expect that. I suppose that I should always wake with that feeling. Then I might start living that way God wants me to. Like every day is my last. I get in the mind set far too often that I am simply wasting time between my birth and my death. I forget to live. I forget to follow my heart. I get hung up on responsibility and fear. I wish I knew where my heart was.

All of the people I care about seem to be hurting. Whether they are living life or pretending that they are living life they are all hurting. I often feel like I do not know what need to happen. But I know what needs to happen. There needs to be love, more love that can be handled. Love inspiring love.

I don’t know how to love. I feel love, I love those around me but I do not know how to show my love to those people. It just does not work for me. I have spent so long trying to be alone that I have a hard time not being alone. I hate it… and that is part of my problem with loving. I hate aspects of myself. I fear that I had two paths at one point in my life. A path turning me into a person that I love or a path turning me into a person that I hate. I fear that I have taken the wrong path. But if I were on the wrong path then I would not care about that kind of thing. Well I can tell myself that.

There is love in me, I can feel it, I just need to clear all the shit off of it. I hate dealing with human excrement. But it is my own so at least I know where it came from.

I have no idea why I feel like this today but that is the way I woke up.