Time, Relationships, and Obstacles
What the fuck ever happened to time? I remember when it was all I could do to fill my time and now I do not have enough time. Sleep has become a luxury to me now and I am getting use to going without luxury. It is not that I don't have enough time to do the things that I need to do it is that I live in a community. It always surprises much better I work when I am alone compared to when I am in a group. I fly through stuff. but I never feel quite right doing this. I don't get to know people and nobody gets to know me. I can't help people and people can't help me and I get very distant from the world. So I work in groups and emotionally I am better even though I am destroying my body physically by never sleeping. I am a loner that needs a group. That is one messed up joke.
I am one of the most awkward people I know. I never have any idea what to say when people talk about me, give me compliments or shoot me down. if they get on a subject that I know then I am good to go but other wise I just sit and listen and let it all sink in and process. Sadly the only thing that I know well is physics. So I am a quite person until I start talking in a language that I don't even understand.
Women, I never know what to do there. For a long time I had the idea in my head that I would hurt all those that I was close to. Because of this misguided thought, emotionally I have distanced my self from people for the majority of my life. Love is not protecting somebody from pain. It is walking with them threw that pain and live it with them. "Love is watching some one dieing, who is going to watch you die?" That quote is horribly morbid but I think it has a point and I wish that I could remember what song it is in. My problem is that same problem that my most of my family has. Turning life into a series of habit whether good or bad they are hard to break and start living. I have a habit of only letting people get so close and then I keep them from coming any closer. I have hundreds of excuses for this but in the end I need to just let go. My dad say that life would be so much easier if there were no such thing as emotions. I agree with him that it would be easier but I do not feel that it would be life.
I love rambling about stuff. It always put me in my place.
posted by The Golden Retirver at 08:38
2 Comments:
isn't being socially awkward is awesome? my favorite is the feeling of being alone in a room full of people.
while it's sometimes tempting to accuse all emotion as the enemy, i find love and passion to be worth all the pain and loss that can result from it.
'zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance' is a fascinating book, we should talk about it once i'm finished
it's from 'what sarah said,' which is probably one of my favorite songs ever.
chronic, i really wish that i knew you better. there are some people in this world that i just really wish that i knew well...like when i look at them, my heart just breaks because i just don't know them as well as i would like and i wonder if anyone really does and i really wish i could be that person. you're one of those people for me.
*sigh* sometimes i wish i had something i could say or do that would help.
danielle
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