Memories

I was riding in a car in the mountains today. It was my old romping grounds. Not far from Mt. Massive and Leadville. As we drove some memories came back to me that always bring back a deep longing for the older days; the old days were a year ago now. My heart has made a great deal of hurt over the fact that I am not still living like that. The memories reminded me of the great pain I now feel. It was not a pain at the time. It was a pin prick but I did not take care of it. I let it fester and grow into some gangrenous thing. Really it is not that bad. I look back on those memories with fondness but also regret for not doing what I should have done. For not going where my heart was leading.

The pin prick was a girl; it was not a girl but it is about a girl. I doubt that anybody reading this would know her. She was a wonderful girl, technically my boss but things like that get thrown out the window on the mountain. We spent a long time working together just the two of us, working and talking. We talked about everything; the world, life, and how it all fits into everything else. I could have written books on our discussions. I started to feel something for her then and I started to notice some of the same from her. Like I always do I convinced myself that it was all in my head (what isn't these days?) and I ignored my heart. Hell I ignored my brain too. It was not until she left for Antarctica that I found out that she really did have feeling for me.

That was the pin prick. The fact that I knew all along and I did nothing. I just sat there in fear of being wrong and I did nothing. This fact seeped into me and has torn me apart countless times. I blame none but myself. I could have stopped this before it started. It has gotten deep enough that I think of this girl almost every day. Random things just trigger he face to pop into my head and that is all there is. I worry about her often but I still do nothing. I almost took the year and went to Antarctica with her, but “I got hunger for knowledge again.” That is a horrible way of saying it; I got scared and ran back to the safest place I know, school.

Earlier today when these memories hit me I was surprised; they had not hit me like that ever. It must have been the mood or something but they hit hard and I really did not feel like dealing with them at that time. My body and mind seemed to just kind of shut off and I managed not to deal them. Then I realized that they need to be dealt with. It has been neglected for to long.

Regret is the root of all sins against ones self.