Insanity and Knowing Better

I have been thinking a great deal about insanity. It is an interesting thing and probably not the best thing to be thinking about for any extended period of time. It is not that I think I am going insane; it’s just that I do not see sanity anymore. When I look at myself I see chaos and I see the same when I look at the world. I can not think of a time that this was not true. I can remember times when I ignored the chaos or pretended it was something else. But was always there. I have been through much of this before. There have been times in my life when I run head long into the chaos hoping to pull out so kind of scrap of rational thought. I do sometimes other times the chaos just sucks me back in and I get trapped in it for a time. I think that it is a lot like death. The more you think about death the more appealing it sounds. The more I think about chaos and insanity the more appealing they are. In insanity I would be free to explore the nether regions of my mind. But just like death one can not force them selves into insanity or they will not reap any of the benefits.

Why go insane? Why explore the nether regions of my mind? Why explore the mountains? Why trespass? Why die? I don’t know about you but I do these things because they are exciting. Because I do not know what is in my head, or in the mountains or in on another person's land or beyond the gates of death. I do not know if there is a dog ready to bite or a man with a shot gun (both have happened a few times). I do some of the less intelligent things that I have done not because I don’t know any better but because I do know better. It gets my heart rate up and I know that I am alive when I’m doing them. It has been far to long since I have done any of that stuff.