My Dilemma
I find myself in an odd place in my life. For a long time I have purposefully tried to distance myself from those that I became close to. It is an odd thing that leaves me in a constant state of loneliness. It is one of those things that I truly don’t like about myself but I have no idea how to fix it.
For a long time I thought that reason was because I did not want to hurt anybody. I have always been a large person and I learned at a very young age that if I did not keep tabs on myself I would hurt people. This physical idea quickly transferred over to an emotional one. So I started move away from those that I become close with in life because I do not want to hurt them. For so long I thought I was doing them a favor. I realized a long time ago that this was just me lying to myself. Turning fear into something more noble.
It has occurred to me lately that there is another reason behind the way I prematurely terminate friendships. It has to do with my father’s death. My father died when I was nine. Through the events that followed and the hurt that was suffered I developed a bad understanding of relationships. I see growing with a person like growing a new part of your body. When they hurt you hurt and when they feel good you do as well. Through my dad’s death I first had the experience of a part of me dieing. It was not just the part of me that was my father. Do to extenuating circumstances I ended up losing all the friends I had had in elementary school. Ever sense then I have been cutting off my relationships. Some times before they were fully developed, other times were more like an amputation. I would rather have control over my suffering than have it all lash out at once. I can deal with the pain that I can see.
The reason for all this thought on past relationships is that I feel like I have started the amputation process with a few of my friends that I have now and I really do not want to cut them off I want to end this cycle of self inflicted suffering and loneliness. I want it to end it but I have no idea how to do that. It has become instinct to move away from people. It has become natural to be alone. I love being alone but it is so dam lonely.
For a long time I thought that reason was because I did not want to hurt anybody. I have always been a large person and I learned at a very young age that if I did not keep tabs on myself I would hurt people. This physical idea quickly transferred over to an emotional one. So I started move away from those that I become close with in life because I do not want to hurt them. For so long I thought I was doing them a favor. I realized a long time ago that this was just me lying to myself. Turning fear into something more noble.
It has occurred to me lately that there is another reason behind the way I prematurely terminate friendships. It has to do with my father’s death. My father died when I was nine. Through the events that followed and the hurt that was suffered I developed a bad understanding of relationships. I see growing with a person like growing a new part of your body. When they hurt you hurt and when they feel good you do as well. Through my dad’s death I first had the experience of a part of me dieing. It was not just the part of me that was my father. Do to extenuating circumstances I ended up losing all the friends I had had in elementary school. Ever sense then I have been cutting off my relationships. Some times before they were fully developed, other times were more like an amputation. I would rather have control over my suffering than have it all lash out at once. I can deal with the pain that I can see.
The reason for all this thought on past relationships is that I feel like I have started the amputation process with a few of my friends that I have now and I really do not want to cut them off I want to end this cycle of self inflicted suffering and loneliness. I want it to end it but I have no idea how to do that. It has become instinct to move away from people. It has become natural to be alone. I love being alone but it is so dam lonely.
posted by The Golden Retirver at 00:08
1 Comments:
you misspelled dam, its damn
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